I wish the title of this post stated that I feel funky. As Mrs. ROB would say that wouldn’t work either because I have no rhythm at all, which is true. But I don’t know what it is lately, but I feel in a funk. I don’t feel myself. I feel trapped. I feel like I can move and/or go anywhere.
I feel like my life is a bit out of control. Part of that is our continuing and ongoing saga with trying to be parents. There isn’t any news to report and it is coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my wife’s first miscarriage. It is still something that has very real twinges of pain. I think the process is wearing on me. We have been at this stuff for almost 3 years and I am getting impatient. I don’t know how it will end or when it will end and it leaves me feeling a little lost. I know there are no guarantees that we will be parents, but I want one. And yes we have considered adoption and it is potentially a viable option, but there are some circumstances right now that are keeping us from pursuing it. Primarily, we are still attempting another IVF cycle (my insurance covers up to 5 tries).
I also feel a bit lost at work. I feel like I can’t move forward. I have been supposedly writing this book for at least 3 years. I have different parts of it finished, but now I am starting to doubt myself if it is a good idea. Maybe I should just scrap it. I mean the stuff I have written might have to be updated. And the two parts I still have to go I, for whatever, reason just can’t get motivated to finish. So I go to other projects and flagellate myself for not finishing what I started.
Also, at work I just feel like I have hit a plateau. It isn’t that I don’t like my job, colleagues, etc, but I feel like the challenge has gone out of it a bit. I like to build things. I like to contribute and it just doesn’t seem like I am doing that much more. I feel, in some respects, I have done all I can. I am not saying I am going to move on, but maybe it is time for greener pastures. However, I just can’t up and leave because I am now at a certain position that I worked hard for where I don’t want to take a demotion. I don’t want to earn less money. But I might have too (if this even happens and most likely it won’t) if the right position came along that was in the right locale. I guess the advantage I have is that I have a really secure job and don’t have to move. I can stay here forever if I want, but I feel restless.
Financially, I feel things are going well, but I am also restless here. I want to accelerate our progress to the two comma club, but I know it is a waiting game. The tortoise always wins, but I am being impatient and want it to come quicker. I want my student loans gone quicker, but I know the best financial path is Public Service Loan Forgiveness. I want to pay off all of my other debt, even though the interest rates are low and I would get better returns in the market.
I guess I just want to wipe the slate clean on some things and it feels like I can’t.
Sorry for the downer post.
Anybody else feel in a funk? (now I have that song from Eddie Murphy’s Trading Places in my head). Thoughts about how to get out of it (not that there are any).